Monday, April 13, 2015

Satellite Klit wins tainted match in battle of the “crapaoke” bands

Satellite Klit with guest Chris Brown performs in the finals.
By Dave Herndon
Twitter @NHDaveH

It wasn’t pretty, that’s for sure. But as they say, a win is a win. Saturday night there was a war in Toledo, the likes of which hadn’t been seen since that actual War of Toledo.

In the actual War, dozens of people gathered and yelled at each other, one man walked away with a black eye. There might have been more hate and vitriol spun Saturday night when “Satellite Klit,” deftly destroyed “Forbidden Taint” in a battle of the "Comic Book Creator Karaoke Battle of the Bands,” during the Fantasticon afterparty.

The Klits were the heavy fan favorites, boasting Toledo’s own Dirk Manning
amongst its ranks along with Tony Miello and dan Daugherty. The Taints, despite being the reigning world champs, and having a (wo)man advantage with “Kosmic” Kasey Pierce and her backup singers of Erick Gutierrez, John Marroquin and Chris Brown were the dogs.

Officiated by legendary ECW referee AT Huck, the match was equal parts wrestling, and something that sounded like the time I started my car with an opossum sleeping in the engine compartment.

The main event started with Huck giving everyone the pat down to make sure there were no foreign objects –aside from a few mixed drinks-- everyone was clean.
Up first in the battle were the Taints, though they quickly claimed sabotage when none of the wireless microphones worked. What happened next must be experienced to be believed, so I leave you with the video of both team’s opening round performance.
Following the first round, Huck left the choice of winners up to the assembled crowd. Most were unable to vote, having passed out from the audio assault they had just heard, but those that did manage to stay conscious overwhelmingly picked the Klits as the winners by default.
After an intermission where singers that could actually carry a tune woke up the crowd, it was nearly time for round two. Only there was one slight hitch, Chris Brown was nowhere to be found.

The Taints made a substitution, adding in the beautiful Hollie Ogden, who is neither a comic book creator nor retailer. She also wasn’t on either team’s pre-approved roster. The performance was much improved though. I’ll leave it up to the listeners to decide which team they liked before we go on with the rest of the story.

After both songs were done, and Chris Brown discovered at the bar, it was time to declare a round two victor. In a shocker that still no one can explain, Huck disqualified the Klit’s and declared the Taint’s the victors. Knotting the score at 1-1 with just the final round to go.

All three member’s of the Klit claim that Huck was simply confused and read off the wrong name for the team being disqualified, but that didn’t change the decision.

Next up was another intermission, then on to the finals. Brown returned to the line-up for the final round, but he didn’t sound quite right as the Taint’s put on their worst performance of the night. That would all be explained as the song ended, and Brown quickly turned heal and slipped into the Klit lineup. 

He claimed he was betrayed and left alone at the bar, traded in for a cuter model in the second round even. He also claimed that he “just wanted to singe his third song.” Either way, he put on his best vocals of the night and helped to lead the Klit to their best performance as a group.

All that was left was to crown a winner. Neither fan that was left in the crowd cheered for the Taints, while they both went wild for the Klit. That left Huck no choice but to declare a clear victory for SATELLITE KLIT.

But wait, there was one last betrayal. Overlooked in the contract signed before the battle, it was an unsanctioned contest, leaving the world championship with FORBIDDEN TAINT, at least until the next battle.


Until next time friends, watch out for both the Satellite Klit and the Forbidden Taint, for they are each coming to a comic con near you!

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